My anxiety that started in class 4

My anxiety that started in class 4
My anxiety attack first happened when I was in class 4. I was a shy kid who wanted

My anxiety attack first happened when I was in class 4. I was a shy kid who wanted to be a part of many things but couldn’t be due to my hesitant nature and fear of facing the crowd. I still remember the day when I was sitting in the singing class and was asked to sing a song from my hymn book and I felt so anxious that I started becoming panicked and started scratching my thyme and when asked by my friend why I was scratching it, I replied ‘this helps me reduce the fear’, that was the first instinct I had slowly with time I did not realize that it’s still alive in me as I was always a mediocre child who was never interested in participating in different events or even in studies much l, a jolly, bubbly next door girl. I tried to take part in some events when I reached middle school like a school quiz, debate, singing, and drama. But every time I took a step ahead my destiny pulled me back to a step much behind, when I signed myself up for the quiz I fell ill just two days before the final selection of the team, and for the debate, I gave my name but due to some reasons it was not held that year, whenever I went for drama I was always rejected as I would panic at the stage during my auditions, singing was never a cup of tea for me if ever I would go for singing it would be in groups where I could hide my anxious face in the crowd. I remember an instinct when I was in school and we had a special assembly for Hindi and as being fewer children in class taking up Hindi we all had to sing together, my Hindi teacher was standing near me and said ‘don’t sing with them just lip synch’ and that was a moment where the wave of embarrassment dosed me away. I had exam anxiety since the first time I had started giving exams I thought with time it would decrease but with me growing up it kept increasing. When I had my ICSE, I know that I was weak in some subjects and needed to put a little more effort into them. I completed six registers in two months by just practicing maths and physics numerical, I gave my hundred percent but sadly when my result came out I scored the lowest in those two subjects my heart broke at that moment as I always aspired to become a Dentist like my uncles, I could have overcome it but that evening my mother asked me to stay with her that night in fear that I would cry the whole night indeed I was broken and cried without a single sound when I turned I saw my dad looking at the roof and crying. He couldn’t say a word to me as he saw me working hard the last two months, that broke my heart as the only thing my parents asked me was a degree in BDS. After that I went to Army school where I met people of different types, it was difficult for me to adjust there and I was carrying an ocean of emotions where there were waves of anger, disappointment, self-doubt, regret, and shamefulness. I was doing great in Army school as a student all my teachers liked me due to my different attitude and good behavior, unlike my other classmates. I used to panic a lot before and on the day of my exams and was called “tension” by my classmates as I was never seen smiling or happy always thinking about the future and making a difference in the eyes of all.
A few months back I had a major attack at 1 am during Durga Puja while I was sleeping in my room, I was stressed thinking about how will my college be and how will my classmates turn out, etc. I went so out of control that night which can’t be expressed in words I hope none would go through that kind of that attack
In the month of October, I came to Bangalore for my higher studies, I met new people but carried a fear inside me which is still flaming. I had an attack in Bangalore first during my internals where I resorted to harming myself physically with a knife as I being a hosteller wasn’t able to scream or shout. When I came back from my hometown to give my final semester, I lost control over myself again and started screaming and crying but thank God I had one roommate who understood me and calmed me down but my mother came to Bangalore after hearing my condition. After my mom went back I decided that I will fight my anxiety attacks and will prove the people in my class wrong about me being a joke for them to laugh at.
I suggest everyone who is having anxiety, believe in themselves and surround themselves with people who do not judge them and make them feel weak or less. Who devour you and help you in climbing the mountain that was built by you from the time you started saying no to new starts and beginnings
A key piece of advice: cry your heart out whenever you need to but never cry in front of people you feel are consoling you but the truth is there start losing respect for you and you’ve become a site of pity for them. I’m giving this advice from personal experience that I had in my last is still having. Love yourself and walk down the road with yourself and leave the negative thoughts behind or hide them, act as if nothing is going, I side you even when there is a hurricane droving inside you.